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you might remember the entry i did in the summer which was all about how much I'd changed and what I thought about love and how I knew i'd found it even just in family members and best friends.

Well now I'm confused over something else.

I was texting jesse in accounting today and we were talking about that bloody orange jumper of his and the other one that annoys me so much! and he said he had worse at home, i pointed out that his mum probably went through his room and threw them in the fire. Because he's a texting idiot this is what he said :'she loves me to much almost as much as you and random asians.' this is what he meant to say: 'she loeves me too much, almost as much as i love you and random asians'. not convinced how about this...

Jesse: But I can't annoy you remember?
Me: ahh but you can make me cringe. happy meals, calling me pretty etc
Jesse: I love you anyway depite those major flaws

Kehan says it counts. And I love him too. I've been thinking about it all week when I should be thinking of other things. But I think it's a testiment to how much you love someone when they go for a maccas run at midnight and theyre not back in half an hour and you think 'shit they've died in a car crash'.

But I do think I love him. He's gorgous. He's funny. He's protective of me unless it's an obvious joke. He makes fun of me. He treats me like I'm a princess. He makes a ridiculous amount of plans of places and things to do in the holidays. He comes round to my wing (risking the rath of Deb) to ask if I want anything from maccas at midnight. When I say I've had too much coffee he says he'll buy me chocolate because he remembered that I have an almost stalker-like love for chocolate and it makes everything better. We seem to know everything about each other knowing that there's still so much more left to know.


Today, April 9th and its awesomeness

So last night Kehan, Deon, Sammy, Jesse and I stayed up until 1 watching From Paris, With Love. Which all of us, apart from Deon, fell asleep through at least once. As a result I didn't get to bed until 2ish and as a result of that i didn't wake up until 10, when my alarm ripped me right from a dream, which in itself is quite interesting.

So the taurima crew were in this old school church, bells, pews and one of those giant organ piano things like from beauty and the beast, or more recently pirates of the carribean. And Jesse had been chosen to lead the fundraiser for a charity that was looking to recieve big bucks. So out we walked of the church, jesse with cheque accounts and bank details of people who wanted to donate to the charity and even keys to some safes, and our whole group gets kidnapped. Apart from Deon and Lisa who were very upset and called the police to get a search party organised. Deon was a little crazy without Kehan. It turns out that the pakistani guy who kidnapped us owned a dairy that the mafia were laundering money through, only he was stealing from them and they only just found out and they want their money back plus interest blah blah blah or they will break his knee caps, so he wanted the money that jesse was raising for the charity. Somehow Kehan and I escape and try to get back in to save the others. Whilst peering into the dairy we see Rewi standing across the road and he says 'so that's where Thumpthumper is...Ok' and walks away. Whilst she is being beaten for the money that she doesn't actually have.

Somehow Kehan and I get into the dairy and when we attack the guy nothing will hirt him! but he keeps asking us to kill him because he's going to die anyway! Dude! We were trying! All of a sudden Jesse has broken out from wherever the hell the kidnapper had him (probably a padded cell...no wait, thats what he needsXD) tackles him, beats him and then turns round and goes 'shall we get on with it then?'. We were walking around trying to find a car to flog when my alarm went off.

Then after I had woken up and told various people about this random dream i just had I went to a STMG meeting, which you don't care about. Had dinner and then we all went bowling. Which I didn't win because I forgot that I have to use the light balls. I shall have to remember next time. Oh! And Jesse was in a suit! He'd gotten suited up for the occassion! And he said he didn't suit (tehe) trousers. FFS Kehan was sitting trying to find a nice way to tell me that he looks pretty damned good in trousers. He looks pretty damned good in a suit....hehe i has a hot boyfriend.

Which tbh I'd never really noticed about him until rachel e-mailed me says 'Hot damn he's cute!' and levi text me saying he approved as long as he wasn't overly hetrosexual. Which he is by levi's standards. I guess that's how you know that you really like someone, you become so addicted to their personality that you don't care or even notice what they look like, you're addicted to that too just by association. I literally caught my breath when I saw him in his suit. And when we were watching a movie tonight he was just slouching on the couch, hair a mess (as usual) and he just looked at me and he was the most amazing thing ever. And he wants me. ME! my tall, ripped, hot, insane, lunatic boyfriend chose me. And I think that I love him. Already. It's crazy. The traits he has, in anyone else it would drive me crazy and it has, but in him it just makes me laugh and want to hold him. Because he's my lunatic.

So back to tonight. Or maybe I should go back to yesterday, when I had my date. :D. It won't be that interesting to you lot but we tried finding the restaurant that Kehan and Deon recommended but it wasn't clearly signed so we couldn't find it and went to BK instead. Like I had wanted all along. So he tried to pay for me, I tricked him and managed to pay for myself without getting yelled at. And we sat in BK for like an hour just talking about random stuff growing up. Then we went to the amazing ice cream place in Chartwell where he tricked me and ended up paying for my ice cream. Damn him. But we sat in the food court for about another half hour sitting and talking. After we took this huge detour back to the hostel in which we ended up at chartwell again in the midst of trying to find the hostel because we went on an adventure.

We watched a movie, he made me wear my onsie blah blah and oh look we're back to tonight.

So after bowling we went walking around Hamilton because metropilis was full so we couldn't go have dessert like we'd planned. Eventually we wound up in Starbucks. Where there were two asian girls, giving Kehan the stink eye and talking about why Deon would be with her when they're so much better, bitchy bitchy bitch, oh look at that one in the suit. Guess what jesse did. Yup, he walked over to their table and started chatting them up. Most awkward moment of my life. I learnt tonight that I am the jealous type, in a mock chatting up scene I wanted to go over and rip him from their grasp and hide him far far away. He came back a few minutes later and Kehan said that they were talking about whether or not they should give him their numbers and then went on about how many guys they'd slept with. Ewwwwww. So Sammy said 'If you love kehan you'll make out with Jesse infront of them' so as we were leaving we walked with our arms around each other, stood infront of their table and kissed. Apparently their faces dropped. Jesse said he wanted to look back but he didn't think that he'd be able to hold a straight face. I wanted him to turn around and wink, would have been halarious.

So from there the jokes started. Would Jesse rather have the asian girls or me? Both. the asians for the wealth and me for the fun. I'm a mistress now. Although Jesse did say that all the money would come back to me anyway.
Other jokes: Jesse is obsessed with foreigners, Sammy And Jesse are having an affair, Rewi's arse is softer than mine.

Jesse wants to now go out looking for asians with Kehan and Deon and another few couples, see which ones glare at kehan, have the boys go over and chat them up, have the girlfriends come over and make out with the boys. Lunatic. But as long as I'm the one kissing him.


By now basically everyone knows that I'm dating Jesse, including me now.

Yesterday his brother and his brother's friend came to visit (his brother by all accounts seemed fairly sane which scared Jesse even. BTW his brother's name is Matt) and his brother's friend asked 'so how long have you two been going out?' How did I answer this question? I didn't.

See tuesday night Kath went and had a talk with Jesse about how scared I am to ask him out and how scared I am to lose him. Wednesday, Jesse asked me out. Friday night we went to the movies with Lisa, Deon and Kehan where we discussed other movies that we'll have to go and see once they come out. (hes a comedy junkie too, PTL!) He even met Levi on skype and talked about my parents, but it was never actually discussed if we were or if we were not dating, as in boyfriend/girlfriend, as in so totally like High School. So I couldn't know the answer to this question. If I coulnd't ask him out, can I really be expected to bring up our relationship status? Fortunately though, I didn't have to.

Jesse answered, 'Not long enough.'

I don't know if his brother said anything to him about what it is to be a boyfriend and certain things you must do to meet the criteria, but when his brother left he basically spent the whole day with me. Which is good. Lisa remarked a few days ago that she likes listening to us talk, not to the content as such but just they way we're animated and seem to continue on without a breath or a thought. Which is odd because one night I couldn't think of anything to say. He asked what my parents did. Simple enough answer, my dad is an engineer and my mum works in a clothes shop. What did I say? 'Ummmmm, my dad...he works in a factory....there's like a machine....and lasers...' didn't even get onto what my Mum did. Don't know how I would have described that. But nothing was coming to mind. At all! and like I said to Thumpthumper 'he thinks I'm so shy and quiet! i'm no though! I'm really loud and obnoxious!'. so I now work vair hard to let him know that I'm mental, which might be why we talk so animatedly.

But yes, yesterday he spent most of the day in my room. And I spent atleast half an hour thinking 'I should just go for it. Now. I should just kiss him' But then Susie would walk in two seconds later or he would look up and say 'wow you have a lot of stuff''. But then as we were sitting on the floor (yes he somehow managed to get me to sit on the floor) next to my bed, the conversation hadn't really stopped when he kissed me. And he already treats me like I'm made out of porcelain. He kept checking that his arm was too heavy around my shoulders, that his shoulder wasn't very uncomfortable to have my head on, he went out of his way to kiss me so that my neck was twisted. And then (hold your awws) he left the softest of kisses on my forehead and on my nose. Even I'm going awww!

Then when he got back from church he was his normal mental self. I love my boyfriend's extremes :D



A few years ago I thought that I had an anxiety disorder. not from the doctor just reading through this book on anxiety. But the most general disorder involved flipping out and going spastic whereas i got nervous and threw up. Going to my doctor he always just thought that I was pregnant, then said maybe it's an anxiety thing.

I've been pretty good for the last year and a bit, I haven't thrown up, I haven't had feverish shakes. And what I find to be most importantly I didn't have  alight delusions whilst sleeping. I don't know if it was my 'fever' or what but going to sleep meant i had some pretty weird dreams that followed through when I was partially awake at all hours of the morning whilst I was writhing in pain. I remember one in particular was I was on Survivor.

Well last night this started up again and the only thing I really have to say about it is; Thank God I didn't have dessert, or there would have been puke everywhere. Lovely image I'm sure. And it came from two things that caused  me to be quite anxious. One, I have a management test today and I'm not even sure what it is that we;re studying in that class yet. And two, after some digging from Kath, Jesse might be asking me out tonight.

And this is what happens:
Your heart starts to race incredibly fast, leading you to get really hot
You shake shiver and twitch
Your stomach starts convulsing, and if you've got food on it, you're going to throw up many times that night.
At some stage the heat will die down until u can only feel it in your torso but you're still shivering, and you can't turn the fan off for fear of bursting into flames.
Because you're anxious, because your stomach is convulsing, because you're shivering because (like the Katy Perry song) you're hot then you're cold. And even you're yes then you're no to thinking about if you're going to throw up. Anyway, because of all this you can't really sleep. And so you're dreams aren't really ending either, which makes you think the strangest things. And then when nthe morning finally comes, you're still not alright for at least two days.

Last night I hadsemi-control over it. I had the fan on, only the sheet covering me, and even put myself into a dream to try and distract me. Business Analysis if you'll believe it, I was managing different colours.

And I don't know what i'll do in the future, I like Jesse, I want him to like me, even love me at some stage so I'm going to be nervous around him and nervous before any date or occassion I have with him, I don't want to have to go through a night like last night everynight just to have a boyfriend. dad suggested at one point being put on Beta Blockers which slow down your heart. My doctor thought maybe I should see a psychologist but then decided that it would sort itself out, that at some stage I wouldn't need the nausea pills because as I got older I would have less of a acid reflux. I never thought that was a problem until now. i've still got all the other symptoms, I'm just not throwing up now


Things are...difficult, to say the least. Last night I found out that I have been here for three weeks, it doesn't feel like it. I don't know what it feels like. I don't hate it here. I miss things and sometimes I wish that i was home and not here. And that may sound like I'm just putting up with it, like i'm thinking' I have to live here because I have no where else to go' but I'm not. I'm more or less just going with it, letting the breeze lead me. Which I realise sounds like a more poetic way of saying what i just said that I wasn't saying. If you get what I'm saying. You do? Good. Because I don't.

Friends are good, I have friends, and i wish that people would stop asking me if I'm making friends alright. I have my little close group. Then I have the people I hang out with sometimes. And then there is everyone else. It's only been three weeks, I'll become closer to everyone, some more than others. Just because this isn't high school doesn't mean that it doesn't have some of the same aspects.

I feel like a Year 9 all over again. Thinking yeah this is going to be easy, everything will be fine. Well guess what Me, you have lectures and tutorials to go to, readings to read, books and subjects to study. Guess what Bossy Me? I can't find the motivation to do anything but surf the net. I've been killing my brain with Facebook, youtube stalking Dianna Agron and then playing Mahjong Titans. I know I should do things, but here I am, not doing them.

And then there's....everything else. I've learnt so much about myself since moving here. Mainly how lucky I am. Apparently i have cool parents who are easy-going and are open minded. Apparently I'm doing the best degree in the best section of the school. And apparently I have so much that hasn't happened to me that I should be thankful for. There is this girl, Amy, and I'm not going to put her life story on the web, put imagine the worst teenage-hood you could have possibly experienced, and multiply it by ten. That's Amy's life. And because of everything she's gone through, she can't deal with it. She told it like it wasn't her life, like she was retelling a movie plot. She's gone through different councelors and she's getting help through the church but she doesn't think that it's going to help her. She doesn't think she's worth anything and because of all of this she's tried to commit suicide twice since moving here.

I had to tell my RA. She knew things were difficult for Amy but she had no idea how much. And she had no idea that suicide was an ongoing possibilty for her. I know that my family is fucked up and we've had problems (believe me) but it's a different thing to be told about them when you're 17 and then have them right in front of you when you're 18, especially when you barely know this girl and she's told you her life story to basically prove to you that her life is worse than yours. Not to make you feel grateful for what you have, not even to make you shut up, but for kicks. She laughed when she told me and she called me out when I couldn't think of anything to say. I don't want to be the nark who puts Amy under 24 hour surveilence, but I don't want to be the girl who did nothing and then has to watch as things go wrong for someone else, knowing that you could have done the simplest thing by telling someone.

And at the same time as all of that, I don't even really like the girl. I say that normal people scare me, when in truth I'm a little on the straight and narrow. I don't like people (like Danyell) who conform to meet everyone's expectations and to get everyone to think that they're lovely and perfect. And I don't like people (like Amy) who go out of their way to prove to everyone that they're not conforming. Just be who you really are, sit down and shut up. that's as simple as it is. yes, don't care about what anyone thinks of you, but don't tell them that! Just get on with it! And if you're so similar to the people either side of you because everyone seems to like them and you want that too, then how do you know who you are? And how do you expect people to like you if they don't know who you are?

I get it. Amy has gone through a lot of things that most of us couldn't imagine if our lives depended on it (and Amy's has), and that because of everything she's gone through, she now has a 'Fuck The World' attitude. And I sympathise I really do, i wish I could take it all away for her. But I don't want to be her friend. but now I kind of have to. She just laid out her life story and said how people reject her all the time and that it's hard because she doesn't fit in and she never will and she's worth nothing, how do I then turn around and say, 'Well Amy I apologise for everything that's happened to you but despite all that I think we're not suited as friends, goodbye' ?

everything changes

I realise that i havent posted in a while, and that i havent discussed what i set out to discuss. in fact ive forgotten most of what i wanted to discuss (another good reason to start making lists). In facter I had such a meltdown ten minutes ago that i was inspried to write about all the horrible things happening, but managed to calm myself down by reading the crap load of posts fighting in my LJ inbox. And now my eyes are just swollen and i cant see as well as I'd like to.

So im moving. again. this time out of home.i wont have mum to come in and make my room tidy (ish) and break out all my cuddly toys. I wont have her hounding me for laundry or to do the dishes. i wont have dad asking me to find dvds or watch WWE with. hell i dont even know when ill next watch WWE. its something that weve refrained from discussing. No more being forced to watch Family Guy (which i hate in its entireity, cant the just have The Stewie Show?) no more being forced to watch episodes of South park that we've seen a million times.

No more jokes about my mums accidental ginger hair or gnomes. no more making my dad laugh until he goes red and can't fight us taking away the fly swat hes annoying us with.

Nothings going to be the same. when i come home itll be a visit, itll have a deadline and well know it. So no matter how much i complained that mum goes through my things or that dads annoying and is the only one who has the power to break me down completly, everythings going to be gone. maybe things will be better. but everything from this point on is unknown.

I used to be really confused about love. i didnt grasp it, i didnt know what i was supposed to feel so i didnt have a checklist to compare anything to. so the test i developed was if this person dies tomorrow will i cry? and its worked for the usual suspects and its worked for thumpthumper and missscara. but right now im balling my eyes out and im just leaving. no ones dying. all thats happening is something that could take us away. it could make us stronger but it could tear us apart. Next summer i could run into my parents arms and have the amazing hallmark family christmas that ive always wanted. or i could pack up my bags and call up my parents the night before theyre supposed to pick me up and say 'well actually Johnny's family asked if i wanted to go down to the snow with them....'

everythings unknown, and i hate it. i want to know exactly whats going to happen this year so i can prepare for it. i want to know how my classes will go. i want to know if im going to have enough time to get a job and if i do will i actually get one? i want to know what friends im going to make and if well go flatting next year. i want to know that thumper and i arent going to be like the generic high school BFFs who go off to uni and forget about each other. I want to know how my parents will cope and what will happen when i come home.

i want to know everything because obviously im not built for coping
I was on the phone with Missscara today and she told me to update, because I don't. So here goes.

I've moved house. And I love it. I love it here, not so much the hill part, but the actual house. Mum and dad didn't want to leave the other house. Dad said if we had the money we would have bought that house because he wouldn't have minded living there until retirement. Mum, I don't know how she feels about it, i think part of her hates it just because she had to pack. but I love it. I never realised how much the other house DIDN'T feel like home.

When we first moved to New Zealand we stayed in a go between house, a house that you stayed in because you were in the midst of a big change and had nowhere else to go. We lived there for about two weeks. Then Mum and Dad said we've found a house and we're moving in as soon as we buy beds. Which was a day or two after. And we lived there until New Years. And Dad has always given me flack over the years because everytime we talked about Scotland or our house we lived in in Mull terrace I'd always say home, do you remember at home and you made me paint my room that awful yellow colour becuase it would make the room bigger? Do you remember at home when Snowy got out of his cage while we were at the pictures and he chewed through the plug cable? And he would get upset because didn't I like it here? Wasn't I happy that I could decide my own future, that I wasn't a pregnancy or OD statistic waiting to happen? I did like it here, I do like it here, New Zealand's my home and I accept that. but that house wasn't home, it didn't feel right, and like I said, I didn't realise it until I moved.

When we moved from the go between house it was because we had to. The go between house was a short time only thing and we had to get moving, we had to lay roots, our only prerequisite was that we moved into a decent house, so we moved into the first decent house we found, which wasn't the first one we saw. We were still desperate at that point and we needed some place of our own so we just took it. Mum and Dad got used to it, felt even that it was home. I just lived there. My life has always been a countdown, I've always been waiting for something, which is a topic that we'll discuss at another time. But I had plans, and they certainly didn't involve this town. I wanted to grow up and be somebody, I never lived in the present so i my heart was never really there.

My last post was about how I've changed and I guess this is an add-on to it, I've grown up since moving into our first house, I accept that making plans for the future is fine as long as you live enough now to get there. So this new house, fair enough it was the first house we saw, was our choice. We weren't desperate, we didn't need to move out ASAP. We could still live there now if we wanted to. And right there is the thing. We didn't WANT to be living under what ifs and real estate visits, we saw this house and we WANTed to live here. it was our choice to make and we had no duress. So now I am settled.

A page from the diary of....


This is literally something I wrote in my diary last night. It's about four diary pages long and I think it represents who I am now quite nicely. Enjoy.

15th November 2010

I like to think of myself differently than say last year. Although some of my classmates will forever see me as the scary, violent, psycho short chick, I was never as bad as they thought. But i still think that I've moved on from what I was.

I'm catching myself smiling and laughing and making jokes ad making everyone else smile and laugh too. I like this person. I like that I could be someone's little ray of sunshine.

As aware of that side of me as I am, I also know that I'm someone who can have a serious and intellectual conversation. Someone who can discuss philosophy and anything on the planet to no end. The person who people go to with their problems. Granted, the number of people has decreased drastically this year, but I like to think that I help when I am approached with problems.

And then there is the dark side of me. The side that wants to throw people like hilary out of a window of a very tall building. But like I said, that's not me anymore, only a side. I don't stand for people's crap. I don't like people who think that they stand above all others and try to prove it on a day to day basis. Anf though I have my sunshiney side now, if you try to mess with me, or my friends, or my family, or try to play God, I have a big problem with you. And World War lll will ensue.

And so this person, all sides together, feels too much. Maybe it's because I'm over-analystic. Maybe I'm too sensitive. but anything that's said or done, I'm going to feel. Maybe even more than I should.

I spend a lot of time thinking about love. High school is over and all I got was a couple of kisses from a semi-boyfriend I don't speak to anymore that was all sparked on Ball Night because he thought that I looked really good in my dress. I would call him a predatpr if it wasn't for the fact that he asked my gay best friend for permission first. Seriously.

And so I think a lot about the future, and the type of boys I want to be in it. Next year could be a great love year at Taurima because of Missscara's stories of how serious they are about love. Almost like girls.

And as much as I think about the fiture, I think about I'm I'm going to know when I find love.

So far I've ome up with love is light. It matches the love I hold for my family and friends pretty well.
You know that you love someone when they bring light. When they make you happy and you have a good time with them, and there could be a storm outside but all you see is bright and clear because that person is there. And when they leave, it gets a little darker. But it's a tunnel with a light at the end because they are always there.

In summary, love is when someone brightens your day with their very presence, and you didn't even know that it was dark.

7th form

I know that I've never been one for school spirit, or popularity, or putting up with the popular kids bcause they treat everyone like dirt.

But now I'm really disappointed. I remember at the beginning of the year I told missscara that I wasn't going to 7th form camp and she was devastated for me. I said it was OK i don't like camp and ive got a huge economics essay that can get done, and ill have rachel to keep me company, well have a movie camp!

When it was discovered that thumpthumper, rachel and I make an active decision to avoid the common rooom at all costs, people were shocked and a bit disgusted because its our right as 7th formers to be in that room and laugh at the punny blue shirts who have to stand in really lon lines for the caf and beg mrs harden to let them heat up their lunch leftovers in the cooking room.

Then ball came around, and we didnt go, and again missscara was devastated for us but hoped wed have fun doing whatever it was we decided to do instead. We dressed up, played guitar hero, singstar, went to my place, had chinese food and watched stand up. It was epic. A lot better than last year, and to top it all off, i didnt throw up. Huge plus.

But we've done the dress up days, ok we werent as epically dressed as say Richard each of those times but we particapated somewhat.

And the leavers dinner. A last ditch chance to discover why we hate our year group. Because theyre self-centred, they act like the jocks and cheerleaders of a californian high school. They don't ever like each other but for the sake of popularity the pretend that they'll be best friends for life. And because I don't want to put up with that, Thumpthumper and I are having a movie night of 2 St. Trinians and How to train Your Dragon, possibly dressed up, definetly getting take out.

but I still want to go. not the this one, no way. but I want to go to a leavers dinner knowing that ill probably never see these people again and be sad about it and compensate for it by having the best night ever. Instead I'll be at home with my best friend, watching movies, eating take out, bitching about the stupid people that went and how happy we are that were not part of that scene that might as well have a director with a camera, because that's how fake it all is.

But a movie night with thumpthumper is better than what THS has to offer

Oct. 19th, 2010

im in a predicament.

for those of you who keep up with me blog (theress what 2 of you?) youll remember that my last post detailed how fed up with pressure and timee constraints i was. now im fed up wiht one Walton.

first iris is too hard, so i soften her up and give her some humanity, now im too soft and do i really understand whats happening? of course i fucking do! ur the one who wont let me slap siobhan because its not dignified and lady like! well guess what neither is living in a hut or sleeping with a known married man!

shes threatening to close off the senior production idea and im hoping she does. she spends so much time critisising me and my tone of voice that she doesnt see how badly jodi and nigel know their lines. and they have what 50 combined? my lines are half the script.

i didnt want to do this i told them all from the start that we didnt have enough time and we should have just concentrarted on externals so wed have enough credits to use drama as a UE subject. now were wasting time on an internal that no one is going pass and weve done no externals practise.

i think walton hates me



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