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What am I doing?

Half way through the holidays. According to my management lecturer I should be starting study up again. Ecept I didn't really take time off. Well, I did in the sense that I basically did nothing, but I feel like I've taken the world on. And this is how I know.

I'm doing work. Well not presently, but I was. I've just finished watching A Feminine Response to The Icelandic Financial Crisis and read the entire 10 minutes worth, transcript. And it was actually interesting, I though a few things whilst watching and reading it, I don't know what I'm going to write about but I'm interested, I'm at works front door if you will. I've also made a skype appointment with Kehan where she'll help me with my tests, missscara has said she'll help me (which I will probably enlist this week) and I can always track down thumpthumper and kidnap her like I did yesterday.

But I'm still thinking, 'what the fuck am I doing?'. I'm doing management? Why? Because I liked economics? Whoppee! I should go to Tenessee and become a country music star because I like Taylor Swift! What do I want to do when I've finished my degree? What am I even majoring in? Economics? great. What am I going to do with that again?

Because let's be honest, in 10 years I'm hoping that somehow I'll have at least finished one of my book ideas, that I'll be married (to Jesse foremost but if that doesn't work out hopefully I'll be able to move on) and have a kid, or be planning to have a kid. The only fantasy future I've ever dreamt of since  I was a kid myself was being a writer who stayed at home and looked after her kids. I've always wanted to be a mum. If I never get married, to anyone, if I end up being the spinster of my network of friends (because the term chain is misleading) then I'll adopt. I'm not sure how the adoption process goes in New Zealand but I'm sure there's something that can be done to benefit kids. It might not be the perfect set up for life, being a single mum with an adopted kid who will one day rebel against me for not knowing the story of how they came to be. But it's better than being alone with a degree on the mantle. Remember those questions we would get in DST about where do you see yourself in five/ten years? I aways thought it would be silly to write that.

So why did I come to University? Well because that's the only thing to do. In my town, you don't meet people who will take you off into the big city, point to a building and say let's take it without including a heist of some sort. And in my family, no degree hasn't worked out so well for some people. So I would be kicked out if I hadn't, because my life plan would be work at Pak and Slave until I had enough money to go rob a big city corporation on my own. Including killer robots. Which would mean waiting for technology to evolve aswell.

University is necessary now. We need it to get that one step closer than others, even though there's thousands on that same ledge as us. So now we have to go to learn how to be the same as everyone else, but hope that we find something amazing that they have equal oppertunity to. It's all a game of chance.

This is just my off day. I don't want you to think that I'm thinking about quitting school, that I'm going to drop out and work on my book and wait for Jesse to support me. I have my days when I think I'm doing the best thing in the world. But I'm tired and I need an actual day off. Without work or worry.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
missscara
Apr. 23rd, 2011 05:19 am (UTC)
'A Feminine Response to The Icelandic Financial Crisis'???! And I thought I studied weird stuff...

I hearby ban you from studying for 24 hours. Let me know when you're keen to go over the run-on sentence thing.

Welcome to the 'WTF am I doing?' phase, enjoy your stay :P
bambidear
Apr. 25th, 2011 04:23 am (UTC)
yea its not as boring as it sounds but i dont know what to write or what to go looking for. ive got a week and a half left which is good but damn its hard. i wish id started earlier. i did take a study break yesterday however i spent a lot of it worrying that i hadn't done this and that so i dont think it helped. any time this week would be awesome to go over all of that thanks trixy.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )