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responsibility

sometimes it's hard to be responsible. I've been on here for a couple of years now and I'm 19, but sometimes I don't feel like that. 19 is pretty young and I know that, I know that my friends and I all need to be looked after, and when that time comes around, we give over the responsibility of ourselves to our parents, we're their problem then, not our own.

But at times like these, during the university year when you're paying your own rent and find it hard to live within your student allowance, you realise just how hard is it to be an adult. Like I said, I'm still young and writing this I realise just how much of a kid I still am. When I was waiting for my laptop to boot up I was reading Harry Potter, not the late ones when it gets all dark and twisted, but the first one, when Harry, Ron and Hermione are still cute and innocent. And then I'm writing this when I should be doing law notes so I can do my tutorial work later this week since I've got 5 hours of extra class this week. 

My flatmates don't want to eat in tonight, they want fish and chips and butter chicken from the takeaways down the street. If i went to the inidan its about $14 for butter chicken that will do me tonight's tea, tomorrow lunch and wednesday lunch, so just over $4 a meal spread out. If I want to the chippie and got a $5 chicken box I'm out $5. Or I can stay in, heat up my left over chicken stirfry that I made for lunch and read Harry Potter. And then try to convince myself the best thing to do then is to continue doing law notes.

I know what the best thing to do is, stay home and have microwave heated leftovers. Chicken box puts me out $5, indian puts me out $14 and leftovers put me out nothing but a social occasion with the flatties. Doesn't seem like much when you break it down to what I did before, and put in spending time with friends as a bonus, but this sunday I've got to go to the zoo for my friend's birthday. That's bus fare there and back, zoo entrance fee, lunch and then whatever when we come back. Next weekend my parent's are coming to town for my mum's birthday and since Dad bought her a $300 mixer I have to pay for my own meal at the restaurant I can't afford to eat at. And you just know that when I go into town with them I'll find something else to buy. On top of this I have rent, flat food, my food, electricity, internet and phone to pay for. oh and 3 more birthdays coming up before the holidays. And in spetember I want the harry potter wizard collection.

I'm doing a lot better than I was last year. I'm keeping a hold on my finances and I'm physically saying no to any splurging. Yeah I'll spend $50 on one day, but that's on stuff that I need, and it ends up saving me $15 later all up.

I may be a kid, but it shows how grown up I am that I'm not spending just now to enable paying my rent next year.
I just never expected being a grown up to be so difficult.    

Summer! Summer! Summer!

So last week I had a job interview at my dad's work in the office. It's the same job that I was looking at getting last year before working at Pak n Slave. So i got up early. Spent two hours getting ready and looking hire-able. My dad drives to pick me up during his mid-morning break.

When I get there Mary gives me this spiel about the history of the company, the process of materials yadda yadda oh and also that the roster is insufficient and thereby they need a part-time and full-time person to join their staff. Permanently. So there would be no job oppertunities for me there in the summer. But of course they'll keep my CV on hand in case they needed someone to cover over the holidays.

You wanna know what I was thinking? Fuck you. I'm a broke student looking for a job over the summer that will sustain me over the coming year. If you don't give me this job then I'll find work elsewhere and I won't be coming in to cover your arse for half a day.

So I'm going trolling round the town begging for jobs anywhere but Pak n Save. But somehow I'm thinking that I'll end up at Pak n Slave again.

Nosey Nosey

 I used to pride myself on being the person that everyone felt that they could talk to. There came a point that I knew a very personal and well-hiddent detail about every person in my group of friends. I know the majority of my family secrets. I know why my aunt and uncle really seperated, but their son doesn't.

This got to such an extent that when I was 15 I wanted to become a psychologist or a therapist. Somehow I was able to get people to talk to me and then talk them through their problems. But then Kyrie happened. I'm sure that you've all heard the story of how Kyrie though it was a ridiculous idea because no one told me anything, after I'd had a two hour therapy session with her.

People still talk to me. Every time I walk into town with mum i hear a new family secret. I know almost everything about Kehan. Ducly talks to me when he needs an actual deep and meaningful. I know the Jesse behind the mask and why its there.

But being told things has its downside. What if you find out that your boyfriend and you 'son' have been treated like shit by your friend and neighbour? You hang out with this girl everyday, she brings you homemade cupcakes, and she has a scrapbook of you adventures together. And now she's been throwing words in your boyfriend's face and saying things that you hope are jokes but no one is sure, and her last joke sent your boyfriend off the rails.

I found Jesse in his room, staring at one spot on the floor, flexing his muscles and clenching and unchlenching his fists. He'd already thrown a shoe at the door when Sammy didn't stop knocking and I'm pretty sure the only reason I was let in was because Ducky was in the room with him at the time. I'm also sure that if Ducky and I had let him be that he would have punched the brick wall until his knuckles bled and then took a shower so that no one would see him cry. 

I wanted to cry for him. I almost did. When I heard what Lisa did part of me wanted to go and kill her. How dare she do this to my bubbly, happy and smiley Jesse? How dare she bring out a side of him that he can't stand. And how dare she make him want to beat her.

the other part of me wanted to lay with him for a week, soothe out his arms and clench his fat around mine and hold him until he smiled. One part of the problem with that was that we couldn't close the door. Even if we did. If I had stayed longer the RAs would have found me and thrown me out, which I would have fought, because believe it or not, two people who are dating can have a conversation without it ending in sex.

But Sam was scared and confused about what was happening even though she had nothing to do with it. And Lisa was still my friend. I wasn't going to abandon her, I'd promised Jesse a long time ago that i wouldn't.

But now I don't know what to do. Sam's getting all defensive for Lisa and I'm getting defensive for Jesse. Lisa isn't upset with anyone in particular I don't think, she's just upset with the situation. And Sam doesn't see where the boys are coming from at all.

He's my boyfriend. I'm thoroughly convinced that I'm going to marry that boy one day. But she's my friend. And I don't want to lose her over something that could be a simple misunderstanding. Even if it has been going on for months

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Bambidear reporting for Bitch Duty, Sir

 So. What to say. I know what Thumpthumper will be expecting me to write in this post. That I hate her and that you madam are the bitch. Well too fucking bad. I don't hate you and I definitely don't think that you are a bitch. Not even in the 'you locked yourself in a dog cage, that makes you a dog, and you're a female so that makes you a bitch' way. 

I know I'm bitchy, I have a shirt that says 'that's queen bitch to you'. not that I wear it around taurima, I'm not a complete idiot.
I'm protective, and I don't like the majority of the general population. I don't take shit, I like to talk and I like to talk things through about how all the crap in my life is driving me crazy. Which makes me sound like a moaning bitch.

I spent a lot of time thinking about whether or not I am a bitch. Everywhere I go, everyday there seems to be at least one drama in my life. That surely doesn't happen to everyone. Is it me? Do I bring it on myself?

I used to think that the reason our group wasn't the populars was because we, me included, couldn't stand those arrogant prats who thought that the world revolved around them and that all there was to life was partying, those bitches. Now I start to wonder, was I not part of the popular crowd because I was the bitch and they didn't like me?

So yea, I just spend half my time thinking 'Am I a bitch?'

Dreams dreams dreams

 so its relatively well-known that I have the weirdest dreams ever imagined by man. and last night i had a really bad one.

so basically the entire uni was trapped inside one of the big uni lecture rooms which had been set on fire. it was a deliberate act and all possible ways of us getting out had been seen to and gotten rid of.

So people are fawning over each other trying to get out, peoples clothes are melting off their bodies, their hair is being fried right into their scalp and soon u dont know who u were with anymore.

Somehow Jesse and I find each other. We didn't want to die alone. we also didnt want to die like that, we could hear people near the base of the fire screaming in pain. Somehow Jesse found a gun. And we killed each other.

There's a whole heap more dialogue and holy shit i dont want to die, listen to me we have to do this kind of thing. but i woke up crying and im crying remembering it now, so lets not go there

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Something that you should know...

Something that you should know about me before we go any further. I talk differently to different people.

I'm known for being the fierce, fearless and unforgiving person that will make sure that any quarrel is put to rest in my favour. That covers letters to companies complaining about distress caused by their employees and fuckwits living next door. And to be fair I do all that because really it's quite fun to watch other people squirm and choose their next moves.

But strangers who piss me off aren't the only people who I have issues with. And I can't and don't treat my other issues like that. I can't go for it all with someone I'm close to, physically or emotionally.

We're having real issues with the food at the hostel right now and my dad has told me time and again to complain and make them see that something needs to change or it's going to be my address. And as much as I'd love to rip Mark to shreds, tell him he's an idiot who has no idea what is going on and to step aside before he starts acting like a headmaster (an insult if you think about it). But I'm in vair close proximity with him, this isn't just some institution that I have a problem with, this is HIS institution and I live here. That makes a difference and can harm me, which makes me cautious.

Then with friends and family. You want to tell them to back off, to give you some space and to stop being so bloody childish and get on with it, but you need to think of a way to say it nicely. In a way I guess I treat my friends like everyone treats, well everyone else. You don't want to yell and scream at the people you love, that's why people get divorced; so they won't have to yell at their spouse any more and be unhappy afterwards. And so when I have a talk with someone I love and care about regarding something that we need to sort or me just having a bitch to them about them I get nervous. I toy with my hair, I scratch, I can't make eye contact, I use my hands a lot more than I need to and than I normally do. Because if they get mad and yell back, I have a lot more to lose.

Writer's Block: Ticket to ride

If you could take an all-expense-paid two-week vacation to anywhere in the world with one friend or partner, where would you go and who would you take?

Italy. With Thumpthumper. We've had an unhealthy obsession with anything italian since we first read janet evanovich. and one of our fantasy missions in life is to go to itlay and find a morelli.

but apart from that I think we have an actual obsession with italy. The food, the people, the atmosphere, the fact that the only thing people come back complaining about is the 'randy men', and the art. we dont even like art but we'd still go.

we always said when we got rich we'd go. in 20 years i can actually see it happening.
So I just watched this movie called Timer. A B List movie trying to be blockbuster material but it had an odd effect on me. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm a movie freak. I watch movies, I google them, I can tell you everything that is publicly accessable on One for the Money, I can tell you which movies that have set up for sequels in the last 5 years will actually have sequels and I can also tell you which classic boardgames are being turned into movies. (Monopoly and Battleship. Battleship looks promising starring Rihanna and Liam Neson, yea you read that right). But I don't normally get affected by movies much unless they are my favourites or they are books that I have loved for years. Armageddon, The Prestige and The Producers are three of my favourite movies off of the top of my head. Beauty and the Beast and Sleeping Beauty are my childhood favourites that I could watch until I die. Harry Potter, The BFG, Twilight, The Georgia Nicolson series and soon to come the Stephanie Plum series and also Vampre Academy are my book movies that i watch to see how hollywood lived up to my imagination. Some were better than others, I think you know what I'm talking about.

But anyway, what I'm trying to say is that books have more of an affect on me because it's my imagination, it's whatever I take from the book both in the mind's eye and philosophical terms. Which is why it's so odd that a B budget movie would make me, God forbid, think.

Timer is about having a, wait for it, timer (tada!) placed in your dominant arms wrist and it counts down to a specific moment in time. No that's not the plot, I just want to keep you on your toes for another minute. When you read that line, what did you think of? What kind of timer do people usually talk about? Childless woman in their late 30s normally talk about their biological clock, but that wasn't it. I think the majority of us know when we're going to have a baby. I remember a time, I think it was about when the first Final Destination movie came out, that people started discussing The Death Timer. And it's still around today, the ominous question 'What would you do if you knew that you had one day to live?'. I'll admit it's evolved but it's semi the same question. If you could find out the day that you would die, would you tkae the oppertunity? If you found out that you would live until you were 86, would you go to uni, invest in promising software, make a life for yourself, fall in love and start a family? Or, if you knew that you were going to die when you were 25 would you smoke/snort anything that was handed to you and fornicate with anything with a pulse (granted it was human and of age) ?

A couple of years ago I had a Final Destination marathon, and one of the DVD extras was a quiz to find out when you would die. I knew that it was fake, a DVD couldn't possibly tell me when I was going to die and if I took it twice I would get a different answer, no question about it. (:) you're welcome witty people who read my blog). But I still closed my eyes and took a deep breath before my answer showed up. I remember thinking, I hope that I forget this date, I know it's not real but I hope that I forget it. And as I'm writing this I keep thinking 'was it july? was it 2022?' and as I wrote that 2022 didn't look right. I also remember that it didn't put me in my 30s. Fake or not, I was shit scared at the time and pretended to giggle it off.

And my rambling is now going to piss you off because the movie was not about installing a Date of Death timer.

It was about a timer that counted down the day that you met your one true love. It was placed in your dominant arms wrist, you could get it from the age of 14, and granted that your one true love also had a timer, it would count down to the day that you met said person. In the movie the main character's little brother got his timer at 14 and it showed he had three days until he met The One. The main character's step-sister/best friend was in her late 20s and still had over 2,000 days to go until she met her One. The main character's timer didn't even start until 20 minutes until the end. So there were quite a few paths to follow. Not everyone had the timer, it was completly voluntary for that one person sitting there thinking 'they forced this shit on people?!'

And like I said, it got me thinking. I've had this movie for a while, and in the summer I thought I would definetly get one if it were available in the real world. Being the girl who was never the centre of any boy's attention growing up, I became a hopeless and desperate romantic. In my own head ofcourse. I only watch complete romance movies with my Mum, because garanteed, we will cry and then mock each other for it. But now things are different. I have a boyfriend who loves me and who I'm 80% sure that I truely love (I'm still  bit lost as to what love is, but I'm looking into it). So if it became available tomorrow, would I get one? Summer 2010 me would say yes in a heartbeat. Jesse's girlfriend says I don't know. At this point in my relationship it would be comparably easy to let Jesse go for whatever reason not to mention that we were each standing in the way of our Ones. But would I, would we, take the risk of finding out that we weren't meant to be together? If I really loved him, you're thinking, then it won't matter. But the desperate part of me thinks ' I need to be sure'. In the movie, the main character's parents got divorced because their timers said that they hadn't even met their Ones yet.

I'm actually feeling torn about this! I'd hope that it wouldn't become available until we'd cured AIDS and cancer, helped 3rd or less world nations and fixed the global economy, but I'm actually thinking 'would I do it?' Would I take the oppertunity to know for certain who my true love was? Would I take the chance that it could be Jesse and I got it right first time? Would I take the chance in finding out that it wasn't Jesse and I have to wait 10 years until I actually meet this mysterious person?

What would you do?

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What am I doing?

Half way through the holidays. According to my management lecturer I should be starting study up again. Ecept I didn't really take time off. Well, I did in the sense that I basically did nothing, but I feel like I've taken the world on. And this is how I know.

I'm doing work. Well not presently, but I was. I've just finished watching A Feminine Response to The Icelandic Financial Crisis and read the entire 10 minutes worth, transcript. And it was actually interesting, I though a few things whilst watching and reading it, I don't know what I'm going to write about but I'm interested, I'm at works front door if you will. I've also made a skype appointment with Kehan where she'll help me with my tests, missscara has said she'll help me (which I will probably enlist this week) and I can always track down thumpthumper and kidnap her like I did yesterday.

But I'm still thinking, 'what the fuck am I doing?'. I'm doing management? Why? Because I liked economics? Whoppee! I should go to Tenessee and become a country music star because I like Taylor Swift! What do I want to do when I've finished my degree? What am I even majoring in? Economics? great. What am I going to do with that again?

Because let's be honest, in 10 years I'm hoping that somehow I'll have at least finished one of my book ideas, that I'll be married (to Jesse foremost but if that doesn't work out hopefully I'll be able to move on) and have a kid, or be planning to have a kid. The only fantasy future I've ever dreamt of since  I was a kid myself was being a writer who stayed at home and looked after her kids. I've always wanted to be a mum. If I never get married, to anyone, if I end up being the spinster of my network of friends (because the term chain is misleading) then I'll adopt. I'm not sure how the adoption process goes in New Zealand but I'm sure there's something that can be done to benefit kids. It might not be the perfect set up for life, being a single mum with an adopted kid who will one day rebel against me for not knowing the story of how they came to be. But it's better than being alone with a degree on the mantle. Remember those questions we would get in DST about where do you see yourself in five/ten years? I aways thought it would be silly to write that.

So why did I come to University? Well because that's the only thing to do. In my town, you don't meet people who will take you off into the big city, point to a building and say let's take it without including a heist of some sort. And in my family, no degree hasn't worked out so well for some people. So I would be kicked out if I hadn't, because my life plan would be work at Pak and Slave until I had enough money to go rob a big city corporation on my own. Including killer robots. Which would mean waiting for technology to evolve aswell.

University is necessary now. We need it to get that one step closer than others, even though there's thousands on that same ledge as us. So now we have to go to learn how to be the same as everyone else, but hope that we find something amazing that they have equal oppertunity to. It's all a game of chance.

This is just my off day. I don't want you to think that I'm thinking about quitting school, that I'm going to drop out and work on my book and wait for Jesse to support me. I have my days when I think I'm doing the best thing in the world. But I'm tired and I need an actual day off. Without work or worry.

lost in last week

I'm so far behind right now it isn't funny. It's wednesday. WEDNESDAY! I have done no work towards any of my assignments! lukcily for me the first isn't due in until the friday of the first week back. but still, I should be doing something! But school work is something I can catch up on a little easier because my house has wireless now so I can sit in the living room and work stuff out rather than having to wait two hours for dad to get off the computer and then come in every two minutes to check his scan or whatever.

Oh yeah did i mention that I'm home? :D I never thought that I would miss The Hole. But as Patrick pointed out, it's not that bad a place to grow up. Sure there's nothing to do but watch TV (which apparently drives your boyfriend crazy, more of a sad crazy) but if you look out to one side you have (brown) pacific ocean and to the other you have the way out and also the way back in. But I'm so far behind on home stuff too! I haven't unpacked anything! And I'm all the way back to wrestlemania with dad, which for those of you who don't know is about a month ago.

I haven't seen or really spoken to Levi or Ra-ra in a while, not even e-mails because we've each been bogged down in study. And don;t get me started on my diary, I think I'm still on 'so because we kissed does that mean we're going out?'

I had a text deep and meaningful with kehan last night about boys and their adament requests to buy their girlfriends things. It drives me crazy! and I don't really know why. Thumpthumper, Ra-ra and I always joked last year that we're going to need to marry rich men so that they can buy us EVERYTHING. but now that I have a rich boyfriend, I find myself fighting him to pay for myself. And here are the theories that I've come up with as to why:

1) Independence. When you're single, you don't really know how independent you are, and even when you're datingyou don't realise how it's slipping away. He hasn't started paying my rent yet but it's a different kind of independence. I'm always with him, or thinking about him or talking about him. I'm not alone in my own headspace anymore. A sign of love? Possibly. But over the summer I worked full time to have the money I do now. And I know that his money is passed down from trustfunds, I know that he and his family earned it. So it's like I know how hard it was to get that money and I don't want to take it away from him.

2) He's rich. I know it. He knows it. By this point, everyone knows it. And I have this melodramatic movie moment in my mind that I'll meet his mum and she'll hate me because I don't come from the same background, which must mean that I'm with him for his money. And I know she'd never do that, she likes me already and hasn't met me yet. But I still don't want jesse or anyone else to think that I'm with him for his money, so if I fight to not have his money, then he'll believe it.

3) I can't do the same. Yes I worked full time over the summer, and I'm doing really well, only out 5 bucks a week from expenses that isn't covered by my student allowance or the money dad sends me. But i can't go out and get him something because he'll love it. I can't insist to pay for both of us to prove that I love him.

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